"I will never miss you because of what we do, but what we are together"

I've had a lot of friends and acquaintances ask me, lately, how married life is going.  My initial answer is that nothing has changed.  And that's what I love about it.

But, in reality, it's gotten me thinking a lot about the constructs of relationships -- relationships I've been in, relationships in which I've been a confidant to either side or both, relationships I've observed.  And, someday, I'll go in depth about all of this, but tonight I'll just ponder upon "why marriage?"

A few years ago, J asked me if getting married was important to me.  My answer was "yes," but I couldn't really put a finger on why.  I'm not a religious individual, so marriage doesn't have the overtones of God that some people experience and find important when they wed.  I actually tend to believe that marriage is an institution that is far too controlled by the government.  Why should I be able to marry my committed partner, and have the rights and recognitions that go along with that, when I have good friends in serious relationships who can't share the same rights?  And, despite equality talks, why should I care about a signed slip of paper and a tax break?  Because of these things, I haven't really been able to get a good grasp on why marriage even matters to me.

After J and I got engaged, we started having talks about what sort of a wedding we wanted, and I think that's when it started becoming clear to me why I wanted to get married.  Ultimately, we decided to have a wedding with as many of our closest friends as could fit in the venue we chose.  And we chose a large venue.  We wanted our friends and family to help generate ideas and creations for our wedding.  J's best friend married us, while one of my best friends read a hilarious Neil Gaiman poem.  My mom created the decorations, and a whole slew of our friends and family helped to decorate the reception hall.  It was fantastic.  Every piece of our wedding had parts of us, our family, and our friends within it.  We wanted a wedding that would celebrate love in all ways -- the love we have for each other, the love we have for our friends, and the love that our families have shared with us for our lives.  It is our friends and families who helped us become who we are, and, thus, they are important to the construct of our love.

The act of getting married wasn't us saying that we were MORE committed to each other.  We already had made those promises to each other.
The act of getting married  wasn't to change our lives around for each other, because we accept that we are each individuals.  But, we already were willing to shift, concede, and compromise whenever necessary.
Marriage is, in a sense, a conversation of our promises with our loved ones, to let them in on our plans, our hopes, our dreams.  It is an open phone line for them to share theirs with us.  And, maybe that is why I knew that marriage was important to me: so no one ever questions my motives, my truths, or my devotion.

A couple weeks after we got married, J was playing with his ring and said to me, "It just feels right."  And that's why we got married.  Because the ceremony, the friends, the rings that we wear, the smiles we share -- they complete an invisible circle that creates our own little perfection.

From now on, when someone asks me how married life is going, I will remember that response: It just feels right.

We are not friends
because of the laughs
we spend
but the tears
we save

I don't want to be near you
for the thoughts we share
but the words we never have
to speak

I will never miss you
because of what we do
but what we are
together

-Nikki Giovanni

Science.

True story.  

I like the way you work it, no diggity

I'd like to take a brief moment to take about the ideas we ABDers have about the job world.  

I have a few ladies in my lab who are in the same boat as I am.  We are all at the same place in our PhD program.  We all plan to defend within a few months of each other.  And, we've banded together to dream of alternate careers.  Erin P will be a baker, Erin W will be a florist, Steph will be a real estate lady, and I will be a musician.  Our adviser laughs when we mention it, but I think we're all at about the place where our fallback careers may have to take shape for us, because we need to maintain sanity in this insane world of academia that we willingly entered.

So, I've got just a couple of months before I plan to be done.  And, by "a couple," I literally mean 2... well, 2.5.  That's crazy.  So, I've been looking around to see what careers are available.  I've been going back and forth between academia and industry alternatives.  It so turns out that I am now qualified for far fewer careers than I was 3 years ago when I had only an MPH.  And, then, I was qualified for fewer careers than before, when I had two BS degrees.  You see, a lot of big pharma and academia careers want the degrees I have PLUS a whole lot of experience that I don't have in order to do the job I want to do.  So, to get experience, we get postdocs to prep for academia, and... I don't know how you get the experience they want for an industry position, because I haven't seen any good intermediate industry positions open up.

Now, working as a postdoc is pretty unappealing to me for a few reasons.  The biggest of those reasons is that my friends who have done postdocs have mostly been really overworked and underpaid.  They do just as much, if not more, work than they did during their doctoral education (meaning 12-16 hr days are a regular thing), and still only make about $35k.  It looks like the NIH has raised the postdoc pay a little bit, at least, so postdocs start at about $40k these days.  But, still...  living in Ann Arbor with a $40k job is doable.  Living in San Francisco with a $40k job really isn't.  Plus, I made far more than that when I only had a bachelor's degree.  I expect a little more money out of the deal when I've got 5 years of school and 2 degrees more than I used to.

Of course, this morning, I just submitted my CV for a postdoc position with NIH funding...  in San Francisco.  So, I can't say that I'm limiting myself to only $100k positions or anything.  But, I'd certainly prefer a great job that I love, that provides me constant fulfillment, that constantly teaches and pushes me, that lets me work from 9-5, and pays at least a little more than I made with an undergrad degree.  So, if any of you know of a job working as an epidemiologist with epigenetic and genetic data that fits those qualifications, let me know and I will take it... even if it's in Lincoln, NE or Lawrence, KS.

"And though my dreams all lead me nowhere, I won't forget my way back home"

Today, I was pointed to an interesting read concerning the distress of the privileged.  This article compares the 1998 movie Pleasantville to current events, discussing how the demands of the privileged overlook the justices of the minority.  If you haven't read this blog, I highly suggest giving it a look-see:
http://weeklysift.com/2012/09/10/the-distress-of-the-privileged/

That's really all I have to say about that.  It's a powerful article.  So, onto a cool song I stumbled upon on Spotify this evening:

"I admit that these answers that I seek
Are all to questions I’ve never known
But I pray to keep on looking for as long as I can roam
And when the world finally fulfills me
I will not forget my way back home"