"I will never miss you because of what we do, but what we are together"

I've had a lot of friends and acquaintances ask me, lately, how married life is going.  My initial answer is that nothing has changed.  And that's what I love about it.

But, in reality, it's gotten me thinking a lot about the constructs of relationships -- relationships I've been in, relationships in which I've been a confidant to either side or both, relationships I've observed.  And, someday, I'll go in depth about all of this, but tonight I'll just ponder upon "why marriage?"

A few years ago, J asked me if getting married was important to me.  My answer was "yes," but I couldn't really put a finger on why.  I'm not a religious individual, so marriage doesn't have the overtones of God that some people experience and find important when they wed.  I actually tend to believe that marriage is an institution that is far too controlled by the government.  Why should I be able to marry my committed partner, and have the rights and recognitions that go along with that, when I have good friends in serious relationships who can't share the same rights?  And, despite equality talks, why should I care about a signed slip of paper and a tax break?  Because of these things, I haven't really been able to get a good grasp on why marriage even matters to me.

After J and I got engaged, we started having talks about what sort of a wedding we wanted, and I think that's when it started becoming clear to me why I wanted to get married.  Ultimately, we decided to have a wedding with as many of our closest friends as could fit in the venue we chose.  And we chose a large venue.  We wanted our friends and family to help generate ideas and creations for our wedding.  J's best friend married us, while one of my best friends read a hilarious Neil Gaiman poem.  My mom created the decorations, and a whole slew of our friends and family helped to decorate the reception hall.  It was fantastic.  Every piece of our wedding had parts of us, our family, and our friends within it.  We wanted a wedding that would celebrate love in all ways -- the love we have for each other, the love we have for our friends, and the love that our families have shared with us for our lives.  It is our friends and families who helped us become who we are, and, thus, they are important to the construct of our love.

The act of getting married wasn't us saying that we were MORE committed to each other.  We already had made those promises to each other.
The act of getting married  wasn't to change our lives around for each other, because we accept that we are each individuals.  But, we already were willing to shift, concede, and compromise whenever necessary.
Marriage is, in a sense, a conversation of our promises with our loved ones, to let them in on our plans, our hopes, our dreams.  It is an open phone line for them to share theirs with us.  And, maybe that is why I knew that marriage was important to me: so no one ever questions my motives, my truths, or my devotion.

A couple weeks after we got married, J was playing with his ring and said to me, "It just feels right."  And that's why we got married.  Because the ceremony, the friends, the rings that we wear, the smiles we share -- they complete an invisible circle that creates our own little perfection.

From now on, when someone asks me how married life is going, I will remember that response: It just feels right.

We are not friends
because of the laughs
we spend
but the tears
we save

I don't want to be near you
for the thoughts we share
but the words we never have
to speak

I will never miss you
because of what we do
but what we are
together

-Nikki Giovanni