Once upon a PhDreary....

The last couple of weeks have been quite the emotional roller coaster.  I recently compared this feeling of anxiety to that of a serious breakup -- you know, with the butterflies in the stomach and the inability to eat and all that stuff.  Only, that anxiety has been going on for weeks instead of days.

I've been saying lately that the dumbest thing a smart person can do is get a PhD.  This is semi-true.  First off, it's a number of years that you subject yourself to constant judgement from others where you either feel like you're being micromanaged or you're not getting enough help, and probably nothing really in between that.  Secondly, most people in science geta job as a postdoc when they get out and postdocs make barely enough to live on!

Mostly, I've been really hating these last couple of weeks because it's been a lot of stress.  First, I had a matter of days to edit my 200+ page dissertation.  After I included my advisor's edits, I realized that I wasn't positive she actually read the whole thing, but... she said I could send it out....  Then, I had to prepare for an hour-long oral presentation on my work.  I hate formal presentations.  I don't even like talking in class.  I really, really don't like it when super smart people fire questions rapidly at me and I'm the sole person to raise my sword and fight back.

So that brings us to the mantra.  A friend of mine last year introduced me to this mantra, which I'm pretty sure comes from the movie Finding Nemo, but whatever.

Keep on swimming.

Keep on swimming.

Now, it's good that I am who I am.  I'm pretty independent.  I'm not a crier.  I do well at picking myself up.  But, man, I just about lost it today.  The weight of it all and then, the inspirational words given to me by my mentor included only something along the lines of: "You're smart.  But you have to speak confidently, else everyone will jump all over you."  Something about sensing weakness and vulnerability.  It's like we're in the jungle, and I better be the lion.  So, lemme roar a little.  

Nonetheless, the answer to my mantra tonight: "I'm mother effing Michael Phelps."

I guess that doesn't fit well with my jungle theme, but I'm sort of all over the place right now.  What do you expect.

12.5 hrs and I will have proved myself to all .... And you can call me "Docta'."

Reflections on a PhD

A fellow PhD candidate asked me what my perceptions are of getting a PhD in epidemiology from Michigan now that I'm on the inside looking out, instead of when I initially asked him about the PhD program as an outsider looking in.

This has brought up a string of thoughts and emotions because, for the most part, my experiences have been great.  I could talk about how exciting my work is here, and, while work is supposedly the most relevant part of a PhD experience, mine has really been so much about personal growth and understanding of the world and my place in it, as an individual and as a researcher that I think of this the most.

I started the PhD program in my late 20s, after 2 college degrees from Minnesota, a few year stint in corporate America, and a couple years in the MPH program at Michigan.  I came in with a very solid idea of self.  After all, I wasn't 18 anymore, going through the whole, "OMG, who am I?" phase.  I had a firm grasp on who I am and what I'm made of, and was done questioning my beliefs and standards.

But, oh, how getting a PhD has changed me!

Even my closest friends may not notice the subtle differences within me, but the last couple years of obstacles and frustrations that I've learned to overcome has taught me more about who I am and what I need and how to get it.  It's been a great check-in to adulthood.

Further, I've learned the importance of having a support team at my side.  My good friends Erin and Erin were individuals I never expected to be so close to; and Steph also jumped into our lab later on to share in friendship.  Though all three overlapped with me during the MPH program at Michigan, I never really knew any of them very well.  But, "here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment. There is no why." (That's a Vonnegut line)  And I couldn't have asked for better friends to venture through the process with.  We've whined together and laughed together and cried to each other and hugged each other.  The three of us have celebrated each others' accomplishments and held each others' hands.  The nice thing about getting a PhD (at least, in my lab) is that we are not competing against each other for fame, glory, advisor time, or publications.  So we are nothing but supportive.

As I think about the explorations of self on which I've expeditioned, I wonder exactly how to verbalize all of the huge things I've learned that make a difference in everyday life.  For instance, while I've always been a really hand-off, independent worker, I've learned when it's time to ask for help, and I've learned to trust in others, because, even if their way to solve a problem might be different from mine, that difference could help us solve it faster.  Collaboration is so important in life, because we all come from different experiences and ways to solve problems.  This paragraph was definitely filled with two very different examples of learning, but they weave together so well.

I guess it's really hard for me to explain all of the details that I feel have changed and formed me, but even organizational skills and processes, methods of finding information, strength in self in leaping large hurdles, and other such tiny details have all become refined.

Though, still, some days I hate my life because of 16-hour work days, and dreams about my work, or screwing up analysis and having to redo it, I, honestly, love it despite the insanity that overlies the process.