For some reason, his mention of the chaos and calm triggered a great fear into me of "What Happens Next?" I don't know why it hit me so hard today, but it was a reminder that this graduate school phase is so volatile. We all are here together, then suddenly we are not. Once you start getting comfortable, it's torn out from under you.
Of course I have some ideas of what I'd like to do and where I'd like to go at the end, but it's entirely possible that the economy will be so bad that I'll have to move back in with ma' and pa' because a) there will be no jobs for me, and b) little money will be given to research, thus putting a damper on PhD funding.
So, I walked Juggles to class, fairly silently as I was processing this stuff. Then I had my head tipped down as I was walking toward the Diag when I suddenly felt an arm hard in my stomach. It was Steve passing by on his way home from lab. He scared the crap out of me. The thing with Steve is that he's flighty and filled with laughter, but somehow still solid -- making his opinion worth a lot. He somehow has this way of clearing my mind, even when he doesn't know there's something on it. I'm glad I've gotten to know him over the past 6 months. I told him what was on my mind in small detail, and he somehow worked his Steve magic by mocking me and whatever. Walking away, I continued my thought process, realizing that it's really not worth freaking out about now... There's nothing I can really do.
I arrived at the library and knew what had to happen. Before I started writing my presentation, I had to listen to the following song... Because it always makes thinking about the future a little bit easier, and reminds me of home.
I’m on fire and now I think I’m ready to bust a move
Check it out I’m rocking steady
Go!
Betty won’t stop listening to modern rock
How she hates to be alone
I try to compensate her lack of love with coffee cake
Ice cream and a bottle of ten dollar wine she says hey
I rock the Haro sport
I rock the cow girl blues
I rock too fast for love I’m footloose in my Velcro shoes
What’s up with Will and Grace?
I don’t get drum and bass
The future freaks me out
I’m on fire and now I think I'm ready to bust a move
Check it out I’m rocking steady
To the beat in my head
It goes oh, oh-oh-oh
I know that she’s the only one
I’d rather waste our time together
Yeah, ‘cause we can get down
Betty can’t quit carving question marks in my wrist
How come we’re so alone
We waste away the days with nicotine and television samples
From an era we hate to admit we embrace
We fail to represent
We fail to be content
We fail at everything we ever even try to attempt
And so the story goes
As only Betty knows
It’s time to take control
(Get Down)
I’m on fire and now I think I'm ready to bust a move
Check it out I’m rocking steady
To the beat in my head
It goes oh, oh-oh-oh
I know that she’s the only one
I’d rather waste my time with her
Betty, I need you
I miss you
I’m so alone without you
To call up on the weekends with my cellular phone
Betty it’s so hard to relate
To the whole human race
I don’t know where to begin
I don’t know where to begin
If we can both find a way
To do the things that we say
We might not sit in our rooms
And drink our daydreams away
Betty, I’m a dreamer
I’m not a vicious schemer
Oh Betty won’t you.. ah fuck it
I’m on fire and now I think I'm ready to bust a move
Check it out I’m rocking steady
To the beat in my head
It goes oh, oh-oh-oh
I know that she’s the only one
I’d rather waste our time together
Yeah, ‘cause we can get down.
Motion City Soundtrack, "The Future Freaks Me Out"
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